Child-care book a balance between ‘Love and Limits’

PUBLISHED by The Cambridge Chronicle

Cambridge —Lisa Dobberteen was at the end of her rope, looking for the right person to care for her two young children while working part time in Cambridge. Then she met Peggy Thomas, a neighbor and longtime caregiver who shared Dobberteen’s childrearing philosophy of “love and limits,” an idea that inspired the title of their new book.


“Love and Limits: In and Out of Child Care” is a unique parenting book, according to authors Dr. Lisa Dobberteen, Margaret Thomas and her husband, Richard. Unlike other books about child care, “Love and Limits” does not patronize its readers, but it explains how Dobberteen and Thomas balanced love and discipline as a working mother and a regular caregiver.

“If you don’t have good child care, you feel bad,” said Dobberteen, a pediatrician at Cambridge Family Health, part of Cambridge Health Alliance. “It’s the most awful feeling on the face of the planet when you’re leaving for work with your daughter clutching onto your leg.”

The book is organized into 24 chapters, each addressing a topic Dobberteen and Thomas thought parents would need the most help with. The “Big Three,” according to the authors, are sleep, toilet training and food, but other topics are more specific, such as talking about death or traveling with children.

“We wanted a book that a tired, weary parent at the end of the day could get through without falling asleep,” Dobberteen said.

The book aims to reach parents who live far away from their families, whether in a different city or a different country, she said. “Love and Limits” is different from other parenting books in that the authors hoped to empower parents and show them how to enjoy time with their children.

“So many families today raise their children without help, especially in Cambridge,” she said. “People don’t have a grandmother down the block they can ask for help.”

Thomas is one such grandmother, with two grandchildren living in England. She has been caring for children in her home for 40 years and still works part time, and her stories make up half of the book. Dobberteen’s medical advice, as comments on each story, is the other half.

Thomas said her views on childrearing could be described by one recent incident that occurred in her bookshelf-lined, toy-filled living room. She had been watching two boys, one 3 and the other 4, when the 4-year-old started causing mischief. He took toys away from the other toddler and kicked him, earning himself a time-out from Thomas.

After the time-out, Thomas asked the boy to look her in the eye and tell her why he had been punished. The troublemaker admitted he had been “naughty,” and his companion came over to hug him. At the end of the day, Thomas told the children’s parents what had happened, an important part of her job.

“I treat everybody the same way, with respect, love and discipline,” Thomas said. “It’s very important for parents to know what goes on, if the child is unhappy, and lots of times, some of the unhappiness comes from the home.”

Thomas’ husband, Richard, a retired librarian at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who now writes freelance, transcribed many of his wife’s stories for the book. About the times when his wife cared for children full time, Thomas said, “It became like a family.”

Thomas encouraged his wife and Dobberteen to turn their knowledge about children into “Love and Limits” after the two women mentioned the idea during Christmas in 2004. The trio began working on the book in 2005, writing separately but editing each other’s work.

“This was a truly collaborative effort,” Dobberteen said. “And there were usually two or three kids playing on the floor with toys at the same time we were talking.

Thomas said the authors would have never been able to publish the book if it hadn’t been for a Harvard Medical School conference about writing for physicians that Dobberteen attended at the Hyatt Regency in Cambridge. Dobberteen met Jackie Wehmueller, senior editor of Johns Hopkins University Press, at the conference of more than 300 doctors in the spring of 2005.

“I was bound and determined to schmooze my way through the reception and meet people,” Dobberteen said. “We had entered the book proposal in the contest, and she remembered the idea and said she liked the proposal.”

Dobberteen and the Thomases began sending their work-in-progress to the publisher and signed the contract in the summer of 2006. The book was published less than two years later.

Dobberteen has already started working on her next book with retired Haggerty Elementary School Principal Joe Petner. She said the book will be about advocacy for the collaboration between family, school and health-care providers.

Meanwhile, Thomas and Dobberteen said they are currently caring for the second generation of their clients.

“There are a lot of parallels,” Dobberteen said. “We have a shared basis and many things in common, many similar viewpoints. We both thought we had something of value to share.”

A taste of some advice for parents from the authors:



Discipline: Setting clear limits helps children make sense of their world and predict what comes next.

Child care: Parents should know everything about their day-care provider and the atmosphere in which their children are cared for.

Sing to a crying baby: Even if you’re an off-key Judy Garland, be assured you can count on receiving rave reviews.

Potty training: The most important principle is motivation, and by that we mean the child’s, not yours.

Manners: You are the most important role model in every instance.

Pets: While the right pet can be a wonderful addition to a family, the wrong choice can be a big disaster.

Most importantly: Trust your instincts, and follow your heart as a parent.

Source: “Love and Limits In and Out of Child Care”